I am so angry right now.
There is nothing anyone can say right now that will do anything to calm me down.
My father and my stepmother read my blog today. And I feel so betrayed. There is nothing to describe how hurt I feel. All I ever wanted was someplace to express myself and not have to worry about my parents knowing or trying to stop it. But of course that didn't work out.
You know the really sad part is that it makes me even more upset to know that my father spent just about all of his little speech talk lecture thing talking about my stepmother. Not about how my friend tried to kill herself, or how I feel I'm suicidal, but about how I should be more respectful to my stepmother and how I should give her a chance.
Let me backspace. Today my father came in my room and asked me about my friends, and school, and my stepmother. I should have known something was up. Me and my father don't usually talk a lot. But did I do that no. I blew it off. And he sends me a freaking text talking about he just wanted to talk to me and how he spent all of today reading my blog.
So I just get pissed. I text Kat but then stop and just turn off my lights and lay down because I was going to sleep. But he called me in his room and gave me an hour long speech. And you think I'm kidding but it was an hour long. Trust me.
You would think he would talk about more things but he talked about my stepmother and how she loves me and how she would do anything for me. I'm sorry but she has a funny way of showing it.
I'm so upset I can't even describe or talk about it. There are so many thoughts inside my head right now. You would think that after spending a whole day reading my blog he would understand, but he still doesn't get it. And it's so frustrating because I spelled everything all out here. I spilled all my secrets and let my dragons fly here and he still doesn't understand. My stepmother is not truly the problem, my problem is the way she treats me and how he overlooks it. And she can sit there and say all she wants that she treats me the same as her children but that's a lie. I understand I'm not her biological child and I can accept that but not talking to me for two weeks is stupid. She takes her attitudes and it always seems like she has it out for me. I know that sometimes her children come before me and I'm fine with that. They are her kids and are younger than me but I don't want to be ignored.
I can't believe he spent the entire speech talking about my stepmother. Not once did he mention all the many times I've felt lost, scared, or suicidal. No, it was all about how I shouldn't be disrespectful and how she was his wife and I can't say bad words behind her back.
My father did the exact thing that I'm always talking about. He placed her and my siblings in front. He never even thought about my feelings throughout this whole thing.
This was an invasion of my privacy. This was the one place I could go and just type and not worry. At home I have to worry about it being read or used as background for one of my siblings creations. My blog was someplace where I could come and be safe. Apparently it wasn't too safe if he found it.
I got in trouble for expressing myself. I'm no longer allowed to post family business on the blog. One I respect that. Two he doesn't have to worry considering I'm not blogging anymore. I'm done.
I'm no longer allowed to curse.
All I can say is that if he had never read my blog he wouldn't have to do all this. I know he is just trying to help and protect me but by doing this I feel more shut off from my family. I was already barely talking to them and now I just don't want anything to do with them. I no longer know how to treat them.
My father wants me to do all these things with my brother and my stepmother and I just don't want to.
And my stepmother. I could throttle her. The entire speech she's just making noises and agreeing. She made me sit up.
And when it was her turn to talk she didn't say anything about loving me. Not that I blame her.
Honestly I don't want to talk about this. No one's going to read it anyways.
I'm not sorry for expressing myself. Or for actually trying to understand my own thoughts and feelings. And I got in trouble for it. They still don't get it. They never will.
2 more years.
Bye blog, it was fun while it lasted. I enjoyed it.
For the last time
MusicalLover
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