Anyways we had a speaker today at school. And he just creeped me out to no ends and just ugh. It was weird. And I ended up coughing when it was really quiet and like everyone turned to look at me. Not that I cared, but damn are you serious?
So then I went back to Creative Writing. I love creative writing. It's one of the best classes ever and you get to be you and just express yourself and you can free and stuff. So we had this really dark emotional day today in class. It was just me and two of my friends because the other three students went to their thing. (They split the speaker into two times.) So my just my best friends and me and they read their poems and they were so emotional and sad. I'm not going to say what they were about. So I read mines and mine was about KS's POV if she would have died and she was looking down on me. So anyways then out teacher said the best thing ever that totally made sense and made me really happy and sad at the same time.
She asked us if we ever felt like we for in with people. We all said no and she said that was the true mark of a writer.
She then she started explaining how writers put on facades when it comes to the outside world. And how that's why when we come into class we kind of let loose and show ourselves or whatever. About how we writers block is caused by the fear of what others would think of what we write and that we needed to get rid of that.
And it all just clicked.
Really.
I've gone through life with these friends who were just friends. I never wanted or liked what the other kids were into. I didn't want to be like them or anyone. I was always that weird one. I'm not going to go into me being bullied as a child because that kind of didn't happen. I mean yeah some people were mean to me because I could read 25 books in a month and I wouldn't play tag at recess but its not like this big thing that created me to be who I am or change or make me feel really depressed. I mean yeah it hurt but kids are mean.
And then I don't usually write personal things. I take my emotions and things out of my stories and things. So what I wrote today was like a total surprise. It was weird.
And the writers block thing was like gold. I have this I don't care what people think attitude but with my writing its not like that. I always have this voice in the back of my head criticizing me and yapping in my ear. Telling me what others might think and all the things I am doing wrong.
Kat hurt my feelings today. I know she was joking but still. People don't take me very seriously because I'm always laughing and goofing off and just having fun and smiling. But when I want to get serious no one really takes me seriously and they say and do stuff that hurts my feelings or just bomb rush them. I don't think they know they are doing this but they are.
I really want to change some of my personality but I just don't know how.
Anyways so then I had this debate with this preachers daughter about religion. We were talking about these myths on how the world was created. We had to talk about how the myths differ from our own. And she was talking about how God created the Earth and everyone else in the group was like yeah and I just say there. And she finally turned to me and said what do you think. I told her I didn't really care about God. So she started asking questions and shit and throwing down what I believe and it was annoying because I don't give a shit what she believes. It's what she believes and I am not against or with it. I'm not trying to pull her onto my side. But she didn't have to put me down like she did.
And then in 4th block one of my friends told me they haven't eaten in 2 days. And I'm really worried about them.
So I had auditions today. They went alright. Nothing much there.
So I go to my Grandmothers so I can print out these pictures of me and KS for her bday and my Grandmother runs out of ink and paper. My cousin calls me mean and my hair ugly and said it looks like crap. She's like 6 or 7. I didn't say anything back and ignored her. But I really don't like being called mean. Because I'm not fucking mean. If this is what people call mean then they need a fucking reality check. It's pissing me off. And my aunt commented on my boobs which I'm getting really tired of people doing. They act like they have never seem any before and that somehow mines are special than others.
So I get home and it was like everyone wanted something from me. I had like 4 messages waiting. So I text all these people thinking they wouldn't want anything much. But I was wrong. All these people start talking to me and it was just like oh my god give me a second I just got home. I know not to do that anymore.
So now I have a bunch of homework I need to get done and I'm just tired. I'm not sneering anyone's text or anything. I'm putting my earphones in and ignoring the world. I can't go to sleep at 12:00 anymore. I need more time or I promise I will go off on someone tomorrow.
Both of my mothers are pissing me off. I showed my stepmother the dress I bought for KS's party and the first thing she said was do your boobs fit in that dress. The next thing is how long is it. (It's knee length just so y'all know.) And then she said huh it's cute.
And my other birth mother is just pissing me off. She got mad I didn't respond to her text because I was doing homework and she's just all in my business. I know that's a mothers job but my mother hates KS and her mom so she is being a pain in my ass about this party this weekend. And she bringing up shit like Bruno Mars and my new iPod and saying that she paid for them so I should listen to her and shit. God when I get older I'm going to just pay her off and tell her to fuck off because I don't want to deal withmy family anymore.
I just want to sleep. Everything is better in your dreams.
I don't really have any lyrics. My mind hurts. Not my head. My mind. There is a difference. Anyways none are coming to mind at the moment.
MLover
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