KS

So...KS. If it never happened. If i didn't receive a text in the middle of the night. If i didn't receive a call in the early morning. If I didn't get involved. If I didn't care so much. All these stupid "If"s and I don't know what to do with them. So, duh, they stay in my head. KS wasn't a big friend of mine. I don't think she ever liked me much. But she did love ML and ML loved me so I guess she put up with me. We had the same taste. The guy I liked ended up being her boyfriend and a real jerk. But i don't know. When I got that text it was not comprehending. My mind was just like "...processing....."
And when i thought it was over I got a call saying that I messed up. From the person I was trying to help. I am afraid. Very afraid of receiving a call like that again.
Therapy. I take pride in being the only person in my family not needing it. Turns out I might. I feel very depressed and I find that when you are depressed it is a lot easier to laugh. So I was laughing. And I realized I wasn't. That's kind of scary. I'm not even in control anymore. I want to laugh so bad I'm FAKING it. I also don't want to tell my parents. My mom was out cold when I got that call so she didn't know I was on my floor trembling and pressing my nails into my palm talking to 911.
Wow I am making this sound a lot more dramatized than it is. I am just realizing. Heres what I want to say.
MY FRIEND WHO IM NOT SURE IS MY FRIEND TRIED TO COMMIT SUICIDE. I THINK SHE WANTED ATTENTION. I HATE HER FOR WANTING THAT ATTENTION. BUT I DONT HATE HER. I THINK SHE MESSED ME UP BUT IM NOT SURE HOW.
There. That felt good.

KatCentral

P.S. I think this is my therapy.