Yourself

Okay so Kat posted on religion and God. I am briefly going to hit on that right now. It's a touchy subject for just about anyone because you're trying to be yourself but you want to follow God. And then there are the people in the church.
I worship God but I cannot stand the people in my church or how they act sometimes. So I just won't go but that doesn't mean he isn't in my heart. Because he is. He is a huge part in there and I am honestly happy he is.
Anyways I'm not going to go all into that because it would take me forever to explain some of the things I think about or believe.

Next I am going to tell why I like to write. I was going to do this the other day but I got distracted. Writing for me is more than about getting rich and famous off my books. In honesty I would super happy even if they weren't published. I don't want them to be. They are for me and whoever I choose to share them with. If I decide to publish them then fine but I'm not sending a copy of my stories out to every publisher or something.
Writing is like therapy for me. And not typing. I usually write my post them type them. I like the feeling of soreness you get when you start writing. How you don't even notice it until you are done. You get so caught up in writing that you don't even notice what you were writing and you have this awesome thing in front of you. And you're just like wow.
People always force themselves to write and I just won't let myself do that. It would come out all wrong. I like spontaneous and all the ideas that jump out of nowhere.
I like channeling my emotions into what I write to help me express them. I like writing when I'm sad or angry to help me realize why I am sad or angry. I like to solve my own problems after I see them on paper.
A lot of time when people come to me with a problem they can't explain I tell them to write it down.
If you can't think of words make some up.
I love writing for hour where you just get lost and don't pay attention to anything. I love being in that zone where nothing else's trees but your mind working and the paper in front of you.
I have always written. I pulled away from it during the last years of elementary and the first of middle school, but everything that happened to me in middle school made me start over.
I know some of my stories are complete crap but they are mine and I am proud of them.

Okay so that's mostly that.

Anyways lets talk about KS again, the girl I called me sister.
Never wished I made up with her.
I knew it would be awkward but I'm tired of being the only one putting in effort to try and fix things. Like seriously you can text me sometimes or try to respond earlier than three in the morning. Or just wait.
When we first got into our fight I was like this is God's way of letting me know what he doesn't want me around her anymore. I mean why else why God do that to me. She was my longest friend. You notice I don't say closest but that's because she wasn't. She hasn't been in a while. So yeah I blamed God for a while and then I went on the church retreat with Kat and it was like I just realized that this HUGE burden was lifted off my shoulders. I didn't have to deal with her anymore. I was free.
I should have known she wasn't going to let me go.
She called me, didn't apologize but told me she wanted us to be friends again. Well more like said we are friends again. Her mom bitched at me again because apparently she sees me as saving her child's life as a wrongdoing. I just said okay.
In that moment I realized something. I don't think KS wanted to be my friend... I just think she didn't want to change completely.
Yes she was changing and everyone knew it. She had these new friends that weren't anything like her old ones. I was the only one who she kept and I didn't fit in. I would much rather go to the library and sit for hours than prance around the mall buying clothes that are too tight and I can barely put on.
That wasn't me and I didn't want to be that.
But she was my friend and I could see the old her in there so I agreed and I tried. I tried so hard for her open up to me and talk to me.
She ignored. I would text and she wouldn't text back until 3 in the morning when I would be sleep. And she never talked about what happened. She passed right over it like it didn't happen. But it did and that's one of those things that you can't really pass over. I don't blame her for trying to forget it but she needs help and won't accept it.
My mother has offered to find me a counselor to help me deal with it and I think I will during the summer. I just don't want someone trying to relate to me when they can't and trying to read my mind.
I told myself I would give up on KS. She wasn't good for me and I wasn't good for her.
Kat told me to close the door but keep the window open.
But I know the door will always be unlocked for her. All she has to do is open it. I just want my friend back.
Not the girl she has become or who her family wants to be. She used to not think about that and now she does and I can't help her fight it because I don't know what she is up against.
I am sorry for her. And pray that God helps her find who she is and for her to be herself not what people want her to be.

You may be thinking wow she is insightful but nope. I'm just opening up. I don't do that a lot. I'm so used to keeping my emotions bottled up inside me or locked away in notebooks hidden in drawers that putting this out there on the Internet where anyone can see is weird to me.
I just want to be myself. I don't like being someone else. They don't have that little something that makes me, me. I'm not going to change because of what someone says or done.
I have been through a lot in my short time here on earth and I can tell I will go through so much more but I'm ready.
The world is such a cruel and hard place to fit into but you just have to find your place. There is a place for you.

In kindergarten you learned to be yourself and others will like the real you. Sometimes that isn't true. You just have to find those people who let you be you.

Yes I am still figuring out exactly who I am but I am grateful for the friends who are here with me along the way and as we struggle together.

Everyone needs a friend.
At least one true real friend.


Songs That Inspired Me:




I
I'm sinking in
You know that something's got to

Something's gotta give
And then you told yourself
You found a modern mona lisa
You gave her all your love
You said 'I pray this fool could keep her'
You got no money
It doesn't mean a thing
You got time
And time is everything
Knock all night
Stay awake
Listening to
Records that you like
Now you're saying

I
I'm sinking in
You know that something's got to
Something's gotta give

"Something's Gotta Give"
- OneRepublic





I was looking for an angel to chase the devil at the light
Oh! oh! oh!

When I was a kid
My grandfather was a preacher
He'd talk about love
Yeah he was something like a teacher
He said 'God only helps those
Who learn to help themselves'
He was a million miles from a million dollars
But you could never spend his wealth

"Preacher"
- OneRepublic





I guess this is what it's supposed to feel like
No we don't talk, no we don't talk, we don't talk anymore.
I guess this is what it's supposed to sound like
The universe, the universe, universe is torn.

I don't want to live without you
I can live without you half the day,
I don't want to live without you
And put life off for another day

But I can't stop
Thinking about.. thinking about us
Anymore
I said I can't stop
Thinking about.. thinking about us
Anymore
I said I can't stop.. no
Thinking about.. thinking about this
Anymore
And all I've got..
Is nothing I want
Anymore

No I never get used to silence
But I don't hear, no I don't hear
I don't hear you anymore.
I know I had to look hard to find it
Everything, everything,
Everything is gone.

I don't want to live without you
And put life off for another day

But I can't stop
Thinking about.. thinking about us
Anymore
I said I can't stop
Thinking about.. thinking about us
Anymore
I said I can't stop.. no
Thinking about.. thinking about this
Anymore
And all I've got..
Is nothing I want
Anymore

I can see stars, I can see our lives in a self destructing lane,
I can see stars, I can see lights... shining here.

But I can't stop
Thinking about.. thinking about us
Anymore
I said I can't stop
Thinking about.. thinking about us
Anymore
I said I can't stop.. no
Thinking about.. thinking about this
Anymore
And all I've got..
Is nothing I want
Anymore

"Can't Stop"
- OneRepublic





Today I'm not myself
And you, you're someone else
And all these wounds don't fake
And all the stars can quit

What a peculiar state we re in
What a peculiar state we re in

Let's play a game
Where all of the lives we meet can change
Let's play a game
Where nothing that we can see, the same

"Au Revior"
- OneRepublic





Trying not to lose my head but I have never been this scared before
Tell you what I'll do instead, lay my body down on the floor
To forget what I've done, silhouette til the good lord come

"Where The Story Ends"
- The Fray





Just an outline made of skin
And my walls are paper thin
I want to let you color me in

Feel like I’m drowning from the sound
Of all the silence all around
My thoughts are gone
I’m going down
I’m turning inside out

This time I finally need a light, a light
Tired of seeing in black and white, white

Having flashes in my mind
Can’t take the ticking of time
The time that’s passing by...

"Hourglass"
- Zedd ft. LIZ





Bless my heart, bless my soul.
Didn't think I'd make it to 22 years old.
There must be someone up above sayin',
"Come on, Brittany, you got to come on up.
You got to hold on...
Hey, you got to hold on..."

So, bless my heart and bless yours too.
I don't know where I'm gonna go
Don't know what I'm gonna do.
There must be somebody up above sayin',
"Come on, Brittany, you got to come on now!
You got to hold on...
Hey, you got to hold on..."

"Yeah! You got to wait!
Yeah! You got to wait!"
But I don't wanna wait!
No, I don't wanna wait...

So, bless my heart and bless my mind.
I got so much to do, I ain't got much time
So, must be someone up above saying,
"Come on, girl! Yeah, you got to get back up!
You got to hold on...
Yeah, you got to hold on..."

"Yeah! You got to wait!"
I don't wanna wait!
But I don't wanna wait!
No, I don't wanna wait!

You got to hold on...
You got to hold on...
You got to hold on...
You got to hold on...

"Hold On"
- Alabama Shakes
(PS my name isn't Britney. The singer who sings this, her name is Britney. I love the song though and it is really good and inspiring. Top 10!)





When you're forgiving but you can't forget
Feels like you're drowning but you still got breath
And we've been tryna lay this ghost to rest
Oh but there ain't no getting out of this mess
No there ain't no getting out
There ain't no getting out
There ain't no getting out of this mess

"Bullet From A Gun"
- The Script





Hope the wound heals but it never does
That's cause you're at war with love
You're at war with love, yeah

These battle scars don't look like they're fading
Don't look like they're ever going away
They ain't never gonna change
These battle...

"Battle Scars"
- Lupe Fiasco ft. Guy Sebastian





When you shoot across the sky like a broken arrow
It's so hard to keep yourself on the straight and narrow
When you shoot across the sky like a broken arrow
You fall off course,
Yeah when you hit the ground
It's hard to get to heaven when you're born hell bound

"Broken Arrow"
- The Script





Breathing you in when I want you out
Finding our truth in a hope of doubt
Lying inside our quiet drama

Wearing your heart like a stolen dream
Opening skies with your broken keys
No one can blind us any longer

We'll run where lights won't chase us
Hide where love can save us
I will never let you go

"Spectrum"
- Zedd ft. Matthew Koma



I know it's a lot of songs but that is why I am called MusicalLover. So right now all those songs are on repeat being played so I can fall asleep.

Oh and Kat make sure you read over your post so we don't have mistakes or you know reveal our identity. Thanks for putting my name in your post. My real name. Don't worry I already fixed it.





Be yourself!



MusicalLover9816