No, okay good.
I told myself I was going to stop trashing people and try to be nicer. I was going to stop complaining because some people have it worse than me. But right now I need to rant and I need y'all to accept it. This is like a safe haven for me. I can say whatever I want and not have to worry about the consequences because no one knows about it.
My father and stepmother are being extreme douche bags right now and I can't... I just can't deal with it.
I have been stressing the fuck out this past weeks and its like they didn't even notice. Last night I actually fell asleep on the computer and didn't wake up until like after 11:00. My stepmother walked through there a couple of times. Want to know how I know because all the lights were turned out and the dryer had stopped. Why wouldn't you wake me up? I forgot to email my paper to myself and went and got in the bed. I didn't finish any of the rest of my homework, I got in the bed and fell asleep. Before 12:00 for a change. I had a good night.
I feel like the stress made me sick. Cause yesterday I was freaking out and today I was more relaxed and I felt fine. Yeah my sinuses are messing up but that's because of the weather. I took a nap, which still kind of freaked me out because I usually don't do that but I was tired. And I didn't do any homework. I'm okay with that considering I only have one thing due and I was halfway done. I didn't write any of the 50,000 words. I don't think this novel thing was the right thing to do for me. I'm not very good at times writing or having a deadline on something like this. I could easily write everyday but I feel this deadline weighing down on me and I have lost all my creativity. But I will get this done. I have it all in my head I just need it to be typed out. I wish my brain would do that and I could just put in on a flash drive or something from my mind. That would be cool.
Anyways I got off subject I was talking about my peoples. I had to stay after school until 7 the other day. So it's time to go and my father wasn't there so I used someone's phone to call the house and no one answered. And then I called his cell phone and no one answered and then I called my Granny. She came and got me, at 7 at night leaving my grandfather who had just gotten surgery. Traffic was backed up really bad cause of the Bass Pro Shop thing but whatever. Turns out my father was sleep. Yeah my ass would have been screwed.
And my father bought this giant fucking TV that no one needs. He didn't even buy it, he rented it which is probably gonna cost more than it is to buy it. No one even fucking watches it why do we need a TV that damn big for no fucking reason. It's a waste of money and space. We had a decent TV in there. It's not like having some 60 inch fucking TV was gonna make it better.
It's not even him renting it that really pisses me off, it's that we have no food but instead of buying us food he rented a TV. If you have so much money why can't I get a bag of chips? Why are you using food stamps to buy stuff? How come I haven't gotten what I wanted for my birthday yet?
My birthday wish was simple. I asked for gummy worms, gummy bears, and an Imagine Dragons t-shirt. I told him the shirt was optional because its like $30. But the gummy worms and the gummy bears are a $1 and I haven't seen anything for me. But my father can buy himself candy any and all the time and never share with me, just with my younger siblings. I'm not mad at them, they don't know.
I'm so tired of being here. It's like my father doesn't even try. I asked him for help on my Pre-Cal homework and he told me to look in my book or online. Those are my first two options he is my last. He expects me to get good grades an succeed but he doesn't even want to help me. At least try to help me. The least he could do is try.
Like right now I'm just put my little brother back in bed because he wants his mama but she can't come right now because she's too just behind a closed locked door. If you know what I mean. I don't care that they are having sex. I am upset because 1. My room is right next to there's and after I finished washing dishes I walked in my room and heard it. 2. Can you please wait until the small kids are asleep. You know the kids wander around at night an get out of bed. It's not going to kill you to wait.
Kat is lucky she gets to leave for Thanksgiving. I have to wait until Christmas and I might not be going then. My mom has to find the money. She should make my father pay since he has so much money. He doesn't pay for shit. My mom pays for shoes, clothes, birthday and Christmas gifts, my electronic (she bought me two iPods. I cracked one and my father said he would pay to get it fixed and it never happened), transporting me from her home back down into hell.
I really miss my Mama.
She annoys the hell out of me sometimes but she tries.
My father doesn't try and I'm getting so tired of it. I let all this shit slide and he expects me to be some fucking little princess.
I'm not. He doesn't even know me. He doesn't try to know me.
Why am I such am invisible child?
I'm just... I'm tired you know.
Your selfish hands always expecting more
You have a hollowed out heart
But it's heavy in your chest
I try so hard to fight it but it's hopeless
Hopeless, you're hopeless
Oh, father, please, father
I'd love to leave you alone
But I can't let you go
Oh, father, please, father
For the love of a daughter
Oh, I can be manipulated
Only so many times,
Before even "I love you"
Starts to sound like a lie
Don't you remember I'm your baby girl?
How could you push me out of your world,
Lied to your flesh and your blood,
Don't you remember I'm your baby girl?
How could you throw me right out of your world?
So young when the pain had begun
Now forever afraid of being loved
For the love of a daughter
For the love of a daughter
"For the Love of a Daughter" - Demi Lovato
(Large chunks of this song are cut out because they don't apply to me. I just took some of the stuff I like the most. Demi really went off on her father in this one. It's good y'all should listen to it.)
But I gave you all
I gave you all
I gave you all
And you rip it from my hands
And you swear it's all gone
And you rip out all I had
Just to say that you've won
"I Gave You All" - Mumford & Sons
MusicalLover
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